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I turned 45 a couple weeks ago. I wrote a one word “essay” to mark my resolution. Then I wrote this to avoid being… uh, too concise? Mysterious? Ridiculous? I dunno. But, as I wrote it, it turns out it’s mostly to challenge my own idea.
This first half of my 40s has been a wild (probably not the word my 22yo self would have chosen) and wonderful ride. It’s been the scene of the growth of my little girl from a toddler to a little kid to a KID, a change in how I work, a great expansion of spirituality and contemplation, a new relationship with fitness, and so many other positive things. But along with it, I’ve had more health maladies than any other time in my life.
Now I won’t necessarily label these health maladies as negative, but I will say they have been a bit trying at times. There was a prostate issue (nothing makes you feel like an aging male human like a prostate issue), multiple joint and tendon issues, abundant aches and pains, troubles with sleep, an ongoing battle with fatigue, and most recently an increase in acid indigestion that spurred an endoscopy; one which was strategically scheduled to coincide with my 45yo colonoscopy, which led to the discovery of a hiatal hernia and some pretty severe esophagitis, which is leading me to PPIs and follow-up endoscopies in the weeks and months to follow. Yep, here I am, 45.
Now let me be straight: I’m not here to complain about ‘getting old’ or ‘over the hill’ or any such thing. Most of the health issues I’ve encountered are pretty benign and I’m grateful for my overall good health. That said I am feeling more aware of my body’s progression as the years move on… and I move on with them.
Pulling in the future
When it comes to the nascent problems with my stomach and esophagus, there’s a part of me that wants to jump forward into the future when the acid is controlled, the damage is known, and a full-fledged treatment plan is well underway. That part of me wants to pull the future into the present to know what’s next, to make the next decision now, not in 3 months.
But —and I know this in my bones— what I really need is to simply cool my jets, follow the Doctor’s orders, take omeprazol to reduce the acidity of my stomach, reduce the size of meals, slow the heck down when eating, and to just let things heal as they need to. Then, after all that, the doc can take another peek in there and see what needs seeing. This will take several months.
I am the patient right now and I must follow suit and be patient. Conversely, and perhaps more importantly, I need to not be impatient, or at least not act hastily due to impatience.
Under the hood
My best guess is that you read the title, so you know that this essay is about the latter. It’s a word that hides a lot of meaning as we toss it around willy-nilly, reducing its impact. But its impact is massive. Lift the hood and I find impatience at the root of so many of my own troubles and so many of my fellow humans. Impatience often takes us out of the beauty of the present moment, thrusting our minds and bodies into a time that does not yet exist.
The etymology of patience is really quite fascinating (perhaps another word 22yo me would not have chosen in this case). It comes from the Latin word “patiens” which means enduring or —get this— suffering. So to be impatient means that one is resisting endurance, resisting suffering. They are resisting the time it takes to get to the outcome (one which is notably always unknown whether one is patient or impatient) because they want this outcome to happen NOW. The funny thing is that this desire to pull in the future most often leads to just what they were trying to avoid: suffering. So, to be impatient is, in a way, to suffer about suffering, and perhaps also to suffer about uncertainty.
We see micro-examples of this throughout the day: the person who gets visibly jittery and complains about the long line at the grocery store, the rage-filled commuter stuck in traffic honking and punching the steering wheel, me that one the time I was mudding drywall and threw my my tool across the room in frustration flinging spackle all over. We all know there are a million other similar examples.
I think this same tendency scales up to institutions, technology development, politics, environmental decisions, and on and on. Yep, the AI arms race or the orange embodiment of impatience currently residing in the White House are great examples, but we see them pretty much everywhere we look.
Is it always negative?
All this negative talk about impatience has reminded me of something important: impatience is often the seed and not the vine. It depends on what we do with that seed that matters, and often the first step is just realizing that impatience is arising in us. From there, the path to action that we decide on is what really matters. Do we water that seed? Where do we plant it?
Impatience can lead to beautiful things too. It often provides urgency without dictating action; helping us recognize those things that are inefficient, unjust, painful, or just plain dumb. But taking action hastily, not considering the unintended consequences, is what leads to the red face in the grocery line, the road rage, or the drywall mud sprayed across the room. Perhaps just taking a moment to breath would have been a better first path of action. The act to ostensibly avoid suffering should certainly not provoke more.
”Be patient”
This is an ideal suggested to children and adults everywhere. It has that plateau type feeling to it, doesn’t it? This binary is a high bar that is often eye-rolled away as it doesn’t always have a comfortable entry point. It’s no wonder, we are essentially being asked to suffer!
I think it’s important to focus on the verbs around patience and impatience. On the recognition that one doesn’t have to be a patient person, but rather one just has to practice acting more patient or practice acting less impatient. See the difference? Rather than saying “I am patient/impatient”, we can reframe it as action rather than identity. I like that better. Better yet, why not simply be more aware of that feeling of impatience arising? From there, our job is to simply find the best path to action. So, it’s practicing acting less when impatient. I like that even better.
Originally, I mentioned “casting off” impatience. I don’t think that’s the right approach after sitting with it for a while. I don’t see it as something that I can or should cast off. What you cast off most often just comes back in with the tide anyhow.
I think what I’m getting at is simple awareness of the feeling, like so many things. To recognize in myself those times where I want to rocket into the future away from the present. To take a breath when I want to throw the tool or the cake when things aren’t going well. To recognize that the outcomes are always unknown too and to be comfortable with that uncertainty. To use that awareness of impatience arising as a signal to pick the path to action very carefully.
So, in conclusion, what is it that I’m doing in this 45th year? I’m noticing impatience.