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I wake up right at sunrise fully awake, excited, primed for action, ready to socialize, and to get shit done. It’s like I had my coffee 15 minutes before I woke up. The whole day exudes boundless motivation: projects move forward heedlessly, task lists are conquered by red check marks, shiny finished projects line the trail behind me… and a genuine oxytocin-induced smile is tattooed on my face the whole time. No low point. No wandering. No time on the couch or staring out the window. Each day following is the same relentless forward motion from dusk till dawn. I stand proudly atop the shiny tower of physical progress.
Spoiler 1: this is not my life.
I have observed Instagram caricatures who put on a pretty good outward facing appearance of this type of life. I like to think, off camera, they are just plain tuckered out and their families are in silent agony. Godspeed to them all.
I have been wondering recently what my life would be like if I could wave a magic wand and live a life of Swells only and no Lulls (more on that here). Charging forward with no chilling out to reflect. Is that a life of flourishing? Also, does boundless energy necessarily preclude introspection and reflection? Is that assumption correct?
I am currently in a period of high energy capacity. My mind is focused on projects and activities and organization. I’ve been reading very little and writing less. I also don’t have the same presence of mind that I have during lower energy phases. It is hard to shake loose the thoughts of how I’m going to frame the outdoor shower, the rust repair I’m planning for the VW, the side yard storage project I’m designing, or making space in the shop for the CNC machine I’m planning to buy to fuel my next creative journey. Not quite like our friend described above, but at least similar in some respects.
I was on a walk today on a familiar path in the redwoods, immersed in a looping internal review of these projects, when I became suddenly aware of the fact that I was absent from the beauty all around me. My energy was directed towards future endeavors and away from the present moment. I was, however, stoked to be engaged with these ideas; I love thinking through the details of a project in my head. But, I was missing this moment amongst the plants, animals, mushrooms, and blue sky; and the deeper reflection that usually accompanies these walks.
This got me thinking: What if I was like this all the time? What is the cost of high energy and high productivity?
Spoiler 2 : I don’t want this.
High energy states, Swells, are like bulldozers for the action-based desires in my life. They do not preclude contemplation, but they certainly crowd it out a bit. Lulls, on the other hand, do enable a larger amount of contemplation, while also feeling a bit like a bummer at times. Less things get done, and the tasks have to be picked a bit more intentionally. I don’t think I can have one without the other; it’s a balance. Honestly, a life of Swells only sounds more like mania than flourishing.
All that said, I’d love if I could have the Lull without the deepest part of the trough: without irritability, without low motivation, without frustration. I’ll keep working on that.
This all wasn’t really what I thought was interesting though. What this thread turned into was the following:
First, I noticed that the thread revealed itself to me as I was in a Swell. So, introspection is certainly still accessible in this state.
Second, I saw that these moods, Swell or Lull, are like clouds passing. Impermanence always reveals itself with a little patience. That simple reminder is enough to get me out of most negative thought loops.
Third, as I sat with this, I realized that Lulls are composites, not primary. There is the the low energy and there is also suffering that is added to it. Those two things are separate and I think I wasn’t seeing the latter because I was so focused on The Lull, fully lit up on the marquee of my mind.
The low energy is something I don’t have much control over; the capacity of my internal battery seems to be hard to affect (my wife pointed out that this is especially hard with the constancy of being a parent, so I’ll give myself some grace there). But, the suffering, the part I didn’t see clearly, is something I do have the capacity to affect. I often turn to the well known Epictetus quote from the Enchiridion:
It is not things themselves that trouble us, but our judgments about them. Death, for example, is nothing terrible; otherwise it would have seemed terrible to Socrates. Rather, the judgment that death is terrible; that is what is terrible.
So whenever we are hindered, disturbed, or distressed, we should never blame someone else, but ourselves. That is, our own judgments.
I noticed there’s a bit of suffering that occurs during Swells too. I feel uneasy, even guilty, during periods of intense physical progress for not reflecting, for not being in the moment. Like today in the woods when I found myself missing the surrounding beauty while being engrossed in project planning in my head. I think I need to tease out the suffering from the energy capacity and treat them separately.
But here was the big thing: the labels are becoming a thing in themselves. I’m starting to feel identity form around them and I’ve noticed when I do that, when I start to reify the construct, I impose its collective narrative on myself.
It looks something like this in my head, starting from the sensation:
this is happening
becomes:
this is happening to me
which then becomes:
this is what I am right now
When I call the mood a Lull, I bring along past baggage that I associate with it: the irritability, low motivation, withdrawal. With it comes a biography and predictions about how I might act. The self fulfilling prophecy is born here.
Rather than dwell in this further or troubleshoot, I think the answer is simple: It’s time to let the labels go out with the tide, all pun intended. Swell and Lull have been useful constructs. They’ve helped me be aware of my mood; helped me to plan tasks; helped me to explain myself to those close to me. But, they have served their purpose. I’m reminded of the Buddhist image of letting go of the raft after you’ve crossed the river. It’s that time.
I’ll still notice my moods without these labels, of course. But I need to rethink the way I do that; the orientation and perhaps the frequency of observation. That’s something I will have to work out. Whatever it is, I’ll be sure to hold it lightly so I can let it go when it runs its course.
8/11/26 addendum: I went on a walk in the woods today. The first half of the walk I spent reviewing projects. The second half, I intentionally turned this off, took some deep breaths seated on a log, then did the rest of the walk in quiet meditation. High energy does not preclude meditation or deep thought; I think it just needs to be deliberately focused on reflection. Conversely, this is not unlike how I must be more intentional with the types of tasks I choose when my energy is low.